Demons Inside My Head
by LetMeBeYourHero
Summary: When Dean is alone, he thinks. And when he thinks, he get's sad. So when he decides to drive away from his problems, his thoughts turn darker than usual. Castiel dwells on memories, dark memories, and mistakes of his past. Maybe they can find each other as well as themselves in their time of need. (Destiel)
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: **Terribly sorry for the long wait guys. It's the holiday season and I wanted to update but I had family and you know how they can be. But I'm sure you don't care. Don't worry, I wouldn't either.

Anywho, I am reformatting this. I have decided it will be five or less chapters, each a different character's P.O.V. This one is, obviously, Dean. It does contain the old chapter one and two, along with would-be chapter three, just combined together in one big Dean chapter. So skip ahead or whatever, doesn't matter to me, just please don't stop reading! Please!

Thanks, lots of love. Oh, and happy holidays.

-_LetMeBeYourHero_

* * *

**Chapter One**

It's hard to say for sure why Dean Winchester was sad.

Dean was used to being sad. It was a natural feeling he had grown up with from that fateful day of when his mother burned to death. He experienced it when his brother, Sam, was depressed or bummed at the lack of their father being around a lot of the time throughout their childhood, or when Sam and his father got into one of their many fights and Dean couldn't do anything to stop it. Dean was especially sad when his brother left for Stanford. He felt abandoned when Sam did that, betrayed by his own blood. And though the sadness was suppressed when Dean and Sam were reunited in the family business, it was still evident, resurfacing after John Winchester had sacrificed himself to save his oldest son. But Dean had gotten through that, and the sadness went away for a while; of course, though, it had to return. The dreadful year of Dean's anticipation to go to hell was heart-wrenching, as well as the actual experience; and being in purgatory was no picnic either. But at least Dean had had Cas with him in purgatory.

Dean sat on the edge of his bed, contemplating with a fresh cold beer in his hard.

Dean was never a nice person. Ask anyone that he ever knew, and they'd tell you the same thing. He can crack a good joke or can be great company at a bar, but he was very harsh. And rude. And so stubborn. Sure, he didn't have the biting tongue of Sam or the emotionless stare of Cas, but did have his temper. Oh did Dean have his temper. He didn't have to be drunk to go crazy, only slightly pissed. And so often had he been _pushed_ into that state of being pissed even though he tried so hard to hold back. To think it through like his little brother would.

But often times, it was Sam who was _doing_ the pushing.

Sam could find every way in every book to grind Dean's gears and made it an art to do so. Dean loved his little brother, but he couldn't stand when Sam did something completely unorthodox for absolutely no reason. Sometimes it was to intentionally tick Dean off, and that's when Dean had to get in the Impala and take a long drive. Dean didn't understand why Sam acted like this, and he tried to come up with reasonable explanations during his drive, but he ended up always coming down to one that caused his chest to hurt and forced him to park the car on the side of the road or risk getting into an accident.

It was because Dean acted like he didn't care about his brother as much as he truly did.

And then there was the deal with Cas.

_Cas._ Castiel the angel. Dean's best friend and guardian.

Cas had been with the Winchesters when no one else was. He stuck by Dean and helped him through shit that even Sam didn't stick around to deal with. Cas had never betrayed Dean or Sam, though he came very close during the whole business with teaming up with Crowley. But he had his reasons, and no one is perfect. Not even an angel. And it made Dean wonder _why_ Cas would stick around after being mistreated and under appreciated for as long as he had been with the Winchester boys. Dean thought about how he hadn't shown how grateful he was that the angel had saved his and Sam's ass _numerous_ times, and he grew more sad. Certainly Cas himself could show a little more emotion to Dean and Sam than a blank face and judgmental eyes, popping in and out whenever he pleased.

Dean swallowed hard. _Popping in and out whenever I called._

Both Sam and Cas were out right now. Sam was with a girl he had picked up at the bar the brothers were at just an hour ago, and the angel had to zip back to heaven to do some shit for God that he always seemed to have to do.

Dean sighed. He didn't like being alone. He always played it off like he preferred to have his alone time, and he used to value it immensely. But after having been a year without Sam and going through purgatory to find Cas with a vampire he wasn't sure he could trust at his side, Dean realized he didn't want to be without them. He _couldn't_ be without them. When they were gone, there was a gaping hole that was filled with dark thoughts and past emotions that he didn't have the strength to shut out. He would think of the last time he ever said a nice word to Sam or thanked Cas for taking time out of his busy schedule to deal with one of the Winchester's problems, and each time Dean would regret not having said something before they left.

But when they would return, Dean wouldn't say anything.

It's not that Dean was afraid of what the two would think; he knew Sam would want to engage in a cheesy heart-to-heart moment and then vow to never leave Dean and Dean would feel guilty and they would get in a big fight and everything would return to how it was before. And Cas just wouldn't understand. He didn't grasp human emotion on the basic level, and loneliness, especially the loneliness that Dean felt, would probably send him running. Or flying. Or whatever the hell the angel did.

So Dean pressed the lip of his beer bottle to his own and tipped his head back, swallowing all the liquid it one go. He figured he could drink enough and pass out on his bed and wake up the next morning with Sam yapping away about a job two states over and Cas staring dramatically out the motel window.

Dean always liked to watch Cas when he stared out the window.

But Dean's dreams were quickly shattered when he opened the mini fridge and found it empty. That meant he had to go out shopping in the cold Kansas City weather or sit alone at the warm motel and stare at the ceiling until he forced himself into nightmare-filled sleep. Neither was pleasurable, but Dean decided that the latter was worse. And at least the beer run would occupy his thoughts for the time being.

Dean grabbed his keys and left his phone and his father's leather jacket in the room. He didn't want his jacket to be ruined by the snow, but he didn't know why exactly he left his phone. He figured that it was because he wasn't going to be gone that long, and by the time he realized he had left it, he was already in the Impala with no intention of running back into the brisk night air.

So he turned on the heat and drove to the nearest gas station. He jogged inside and bought a six pack, hoping that would get him through the night, and paid with the crumpled dollars he found buried in his jean pockets. As he set the beers down in the passenger seat, he looked up and noticed a very nice Marie Callendar's across the street. A small smile tugged at his lips; he could go for some pie. Dean quickly got in the car and drove to the restaurant, walking inside and freezing in his tracks.

Because he saw two faces he was relieved to see, but also didn't want to see right then.

_Why are Sam and Cas eating here?_

They had menus before them, sitting in a booth across from each other in the back, making Dean wonder how he ever saw them in the first place, but now that he had seen them, he couldn't look away. He felt the knot of sadness in his stomach twist and punch through him, almost knocking him to his knees. He gripped the check out counter tightly, tearing his eyes away and staring at the carpet, attempting to process the scene before him.

Sam and Cas were alone...together?

Dean's eyes widened.

They were together without Dean. Probably because they were annoyed with Dean, because he never treated them with any respect and they hated his guts for it. So any chance away from Dean was a gift from heaven. They probably thought about Dean alone with his beer and his piece of shit motel room with nothing to entertain himself but his thoughts and laughed. They were l_aughing_ at Dean while all he did was worry about them.

Anger boiled up inside him, drowning out his overpowering sadness.

"Hello sir. What can I get for you today?" The petite redhead behind the counter asked, offering a smile that came as one of the job requirements. She stared at Dean, waiting patiently for his response, when all he did was stare back at her, his eyes burning with a loathing that she seemed to not notice.

"_Nothing_," He spat, in a tone that could burn all of Hell.

Dean turned away and walked back out the door, into his car, and drove.

He didn't know where he was driving; all he knew was that he had to get away. Away from his brother that never seemed to stop betraying him and away from the angel he knew was too good to be true.

And Dean Winchester felt sad.

* * *

Dean Winchester drove down some highway in the middle of Kansas in a snowstorm. He thought that maybe he was being childish and over-thinking things, but then the picture of his brother and his best friend enjoying a meal together without him caused the ache to return within him and all new rage to light up in his eyes, causing his foot to slam on the gas pedal and force the Impala to drive way faster then what was recommended.

He tried to think of a specific time of when he could've upset the two and drove them to act out in such a manner as they had.

_"Sammy, bring me a burger when you're on your way back," Dean ordered, tucking the cell phone between his ear and shoulder so he could continue trying to pry some information out of the demon seated in front of him._

_Sam sighed heavily, and Dean could feel him rolling his eyes. "How about I bring you a salad instead? You're going to end up having a heart attack Dean. You really should start worrying about your health. Especially with all this..."_

_Dean set the phone down, letting Sam continue talking to no one while Dean finished carving the bastard up. He didn't show any signs of talking, so Dean put him out of his misery. He picked the phone back up and Sam was_ still _talking._

_"Listen, Sammy, I want a burger, and I don't give a rat's ass about the consequences. I'm healthy as a horse! Don't forget the extra bacon, m'kay?" He hung up after that. A little rude on Dean's part, but he was getting tired of hearing Sam's long, boring speeches about Dean's lifestyle. The kid had just gotten his soul returned and he was already back to being his plain old annoying self._

_Dean still preferred every annoying aspect of his little brother over that shell of a man he was working with previously._

_Dean burned the body, and turned around to come face-to-face with Castiel. He jumped slightly, though he really should've gotten used to the angel just appearing out of nowhere._

_"Hello, Dean," He said in his rough voice, staring up at the human, standing a bit too close for comfort. _

_Dean took the liberty of stepping back. "What's up, Cas?"_

_"I as well as others have noticed that there is tension rising between you and Sam."_

_Dean's eyes narrowed. "Others? Who the hell is watching over us? And what do you mean tension? Me and Sammy are fine. What do you know of how we work?" He turned his back on Cas._

_"I've been with you two long enough to know that something is wrong, Dean." He waited for a response, and receiving none, continued saying, "You and your brother are picking more fights with each other than usual, and you're slowing down jobs and not doing them as efficiently as you could...I don't exactly understand what's going on, but I have talked with Bobby-"_

_"Bobby? That's who thinks there's tension between us?" Dean let out a humorless laugh. "Cas, come on. Bobby's been dead for a while now. Just because you can do some funky angel mojo and chat with him in heaven doesn't mean he actually knows what's happening down here."_

_"I keep him informed, Dean," Cas stated, sounding slightly insulted._

_"Well between you and me, you don't exactly get all the details right."_

_Cas furrowed his eyebrows. "I don't understand."_

_"You're an angel. You don't get what humans feel. Me and Sammy...we're just going through a rough patch. It's nothing we can't handle. And we don't need you and Bobby's heavenly wisdom butting in, alright?"_

_Dean hadn't noticed that he was taking slow steps towards the angel, and now he was staring down at him, closer than they had originally been. He stared intensely into Castiel's sharp blue eyes, trying to read what was cryptically hidden. He could feel the angel's breath on his face, and that's what made his mind snap back to reality and look away._

_"Just go Cas. We don't need you here."_

_The flutter of wings signified his departure, and Dean was alone._

_And he hurt._

Dean gripped the steering wheel hard, causing his knuckles to go from bright red to alabaster in a matter of moments. He wasn't listening to music. He wasn't listening to the wind racing by his window. He wasn't even thinking. All he could hear was the blood pounding in his ears and his heavy breathing. Even if he tried, Dean knew he wouldn't be able to calm down. His temper was rising, and he wanted to hit something. He really, _really_ wanted to hit something. Or, more preferably, someone.

No one in particular; he just wanted to feel bones crunch underneath his white knuckles.

At the first sign of an exit, Dean took it, and drove until he found himself away from any car, house, highway, any sign of civilization. Then he stepped out of the car and looked up at the sky. At the stars. The many, many stars.

_"You know, my mom once told me that all the stars in the sky represented an angel," Dean said quietly, laying down on the hood of the Impala, staring up at the clear sky. The half-drunk beer bottle in his hand was turning warm, but he didn't care. He was peaceful._

_"That's impossible; there's way too many stars. How could she even conceive an idea like that?" Cas asked increduously._

_Dean smiled at Cas' innocent response. "She always believed that angels were watching over me. I guess that was her way of explaining how."_

_Cas was silent for a moment before he said quietly, "I don't think your mother and I would've gotten along very well."_

_"Why?" Dean asked, looking at the angel with a raised eyebrow. "Because she thought there were a lot more angels than there actually are?"_

_"Because she had more faith in us than we do in ourselves." Cas said flatly. "It's humans like her that make me question what we do as angels. Sure, we respond to prayers of humans and try to keep order, but look at the havoc we've caused. What I've-" His voice cut off, and Dean looked over at him, his heart twisting at the guilty look on his face. Dean knew what Cas was thinking of: those memories of playing God and causing such chaos and destruction on earth._

_"Cas..." Dean began slowly. _

_But the angel shook his head. "There are no excuses for what I've done. I let people like your mother down, and there is nothing I can do to make up for that."_

_Dean sighed. He didn't want to get emotional, though he knew that's what Cas needed. However, Dean wasn't nice. He didn't know how to handle emotional matters. And since Sam wasn't there to give an Oscar-winning speech, he ended up saying, "Throw some dirt on it, Cas. You're alive and the earth is still spinning. Stop being such a damn drama queen."_

_Dean wasn't surprised that, after the pregnant pause, Cas flew off into the night._

_Nor was he surprised at the regret he felt afterwards._

"I hate you!" Dean yelled to the stars. "I hate all of you!"

He received no response, and grabbed at the roots of his hair. He felt his brain starting to pinch and cram with memories he didn't want. Memories that showed him that he deserved what he got. He deserved to be alone and cold and punished for the rest of eternity.

"I hate you," he repeated in a softer tone, talking down to the snow. He swore he was talking about Cas, about Sam, about everyone in his life that had ever hurt him in any way possible. So really...everyone he ever knew. He muttered those three words over and over, but each time he said it, he realized he was saying it more about himself than any of the others.

When Dean finally snapped out of this state, he looked around him and suddenly felt very cold. Not cold because of the temperature, though it had to be below freezing considering it was mid December and well into the night. This was a cold he felt on the inside, a cold that made a chill crawl down his spine at the realization that Castiel and his brother didn't _need_ Dean around. They could continue doing jobs and they would be perfectly fine without him.

And no matter how much Dean didn't want to be alone, he convinced himself it was for the best. For both them and him.

So he got in the Impala and continued driving.

And Dean Winchester was still sad.

* * *

The 1967 black Chevy Impala pulled into a small town somewhere in the middle of nowhere that could very well not be in America anymore. It was hard to say what roads it turned on and off of, just trying to drive away and get lost. The car didn't have a destination, nor did it's driver, but they were stuck together no matter where the wind blew them. It had been like that for so long, that Dean Winchester found the only comfort of his current situation in his car.

So when Dean drove into that small town, his eyelids drooping, he surprised himself by parking in the lot of a very fancy hotel. He had no real explanation as to why there would be such a fine hotel in such a desolate location, but he didn't dwell on the thought. Instead, he parked the car, and opened his wallet, only finding his numerous credit cards and fake ID's. Dean couldn't pay with these; Sam would easily find out and Sam would easily kill him. When they caught up with him, of course.

Dean turned in his seat, looking at the empty passenger's side. He could remember every person that had sat there while he was driving; he could remember turning just as he had and seeing them. Sam appeared most often, considering that he had been there with Dean for as long as Dean could remember. It seemed like another lifetime when it was just him and his dad hunting. And Dean could remember when Cas had sat there as well, and Dean knew that he never sat there and smiled. Not that the angel ever smiled, but Dean especially remembered that he never smiled in that seat. Sam and him had shared quite a few laughs in the front of that 1967 black Chevy Impala, but Dean couldn't distinctly remember one happy memory of him and Castiel together.

However, Dean could _easily_ remember all the bad memories. All those thoughts of him yelling at Cas, criticizing him for something that was a mistake. Or when Dean had yelled at Sam countless times, and their many silent road trips. Dean remembered each of these in such detail that he felt on the verge of bawling his eyes out, but with a deep breath, he took out the knife Ruby had given them and cut into the passenger seat leather. He reached down into the stuffing and retrieved a little of the surplus of cash that was hidden there.

Only Dean knew about this hidden pocket of paper money.

His father had said that only the ones we _always_ trust could know about it.

_"Dean, I don't think this is a good plan."_

_"Well that's why I'm the leader of this expedition. Now put up or shut up."_

_Cas stared at Dean, his eyes narrowed as they always were, and approached the old man behind the counter. "We would like one room to presumably sleep in."_

_Dean held back the desire to roll his eyes and instead smiled dryly at the man, who gave the two of them a queer look before typing away into his computer._

_"I am assuming the honeymoon suit will suit you two just fine?" He said in a condescending tone._

_Cas cocked his head to the side. "I don't understand why we would need the suit that is often used for sexual intercourse."_

_The man raised an eyebrow at him. "Are you two not together?" The suspicion growing in his eyes was very recognizable; he had seen it plenty of times when he had bunked with Sam and claimed they weren't together. They were eyes that read, "Why else would two grown men want one room? Surely they can be up to no good."_

_Cas opened his mouth but Dean jumped in while taking the angel's hand, "Of course we are! He's just a bit of a ditz as you can tell. One honeymoon suit would be awesome."_

_Castiel looked down at their interlocked fingers, and Dean squeezed his hand tightly, almost nervously. The man held Dean's gaze for a moment more before turning away as he continued typing into his computer._

_"Who should I put the name under?"_

_Dean frowned slightly; he had forgotten about this part. He couldn't use one of their aliases because this was a secret job they were doing behind Sam's back because he had strictly told them to not do it because it was "too risky". So using any of his credit cards would immediately send Sam off the deep end and Dean did not want to go home to any of that boy's shit. But he wasn't good at thinking on the spot either. He couldn't come up with a name that he was sure wouldn't sound suspicious is some way._

_"Dean Winchester," Cas suddenly said, surprising Dean almost enough to give him a stroke. "And we would like to pay without the plastic card."_  
_The man behind the counter nodded, oblivious to Dean's racing heartbeat. _Why did he just use my real name?! He's going to get us both killed!

_"That'll be fifty five dollars."_

_Dean's mind was suddenly kicked away from the name topic. "Fifty five bucks?!"_

_"Please." He added._

_"For what, a big bed and a view of the Country Club Golf Course?"_

_He huffed, "It comes with a complimentary buffet breakfast."_

_Dean slowly felt a grin grow on his face. "One sec, I left my change purse in the car." He ran out to the Impala and cut open the seat, digging around for enough money._

_"What are you doing Dean?"_

_Dean jumped. "Jesus Cas!" He pulled out some money. "Just taking a little loan from the bank."_

_Cas' eyes darted between the seat and the cash in Dean's hand. "You have more earthly currency than the plastic cards?"_

_"Yea...only I know about it. But I guess you do too now. You can't tell Sam though or he might spend it all on his tampons and chocolate." Dean chuckled to himself, though the angel failed to get the joke. "Look Cas, that's a lot of money. And we only use it for emergencies. I trust you can keep it between us?"_

_Castiel blinked. "You trust me, Dean?"_

_He shrugged. "You haven't stabbed me in the back yet. Hey, by the way, why'd you use my name for the room? That's completely obvious dude; Sam is totally gonna find out about it and kick my ass."_

_"It's too obvious Dean; no offense to your brother, he is highly intelligent for a human, but he seems to fail to recognize what is right before him."Cas stated, but the way he formed the words into that sentence, Dean thought for a brief second that maybe he wasn't talking about Sam. "Why did you make us get the honeymoon suit?"_

_"Because..." Dean began, but staring into Cas' eyes, he knew how crazy it would sound if he said that he liked it when the angel sat on the bed with Dean and warmed it up with his grace. Cas wouldn't sleep, but just his presence made Dean have better dreams and a better attitude in the morning. _

_He wasn't going to deny to himself that he hated sleeping alone and preferred sleeping with another man, but he wasn't sure if Cas was ready to understand that part of their relationship. At least, Dean's part of the relationship. "Because then I can keep my eye on you."_

_Cas blinked. "Where would I go Dean?"_

_He shrugged. "You disappear a lot without telling me."_

_"Does it upset you?"_

_"Yes."_

_There was a pause and Cas said quietly, "I'm sorry. I'll stop if you wish."_

_Dean smiled genuinely, something he hadn't done in a while. "Thanks Cas."_

"Excuse me, sir?" The woman behind the counter snapped her fingers in front of Dean's glazed over eyes. "Sir, are you going to get a room or not?"

Dean shook his head and gave her an apologetic smile. "I'm sorry...just really tired."  
She nodded, not really caring. "Is it just you tonight, sir?"

"Yes." _Sadly._

"What shall I put the name of the room under?"

Dean stood there looking at the woman, again faced with the same dilemna, but this time, he was a lot quicker in deciding the answer consisdering he didn't have anyone else to decide it for him. "Dean Winchester, please."

She typed in her computer. "And how will you be paying tonight, Mr. Winchester?"

Dean tried not to cringe at the name; he never felt like a Mr. Winchester. He and Sam had never been Mr.'s. Even John Winchester was still John when he wasn't dad. The name was so...unfitting. And it upset Dean heavily.

"Actually, could you change the name?" He ignored the slight heat that rose to his face as he said that statement. She stared back at him, probably wondering in her mind if she was dealing with a serial killer or a rapist or someone who couldn't remember their own name aka a _psycho._

Dean felt psycho. He was going mad on the inside, and he could feel it.

He cleared his throat and finished, "It's still Dean, but now...it's Dean Novak." Dean smiled just slightly, nothing but a tug at the corners of his mouth. At the continued stare, he added quickly, "I just got married." _Just as a precaution._

The woman stared at him for a moment more before changing it in the computer. Dean almost sighed with relief.

"Alright, Mr. _Novak_, will that be cash or credit?"

"Cash." He forked over the money.

Dean stood there waiting to get his room, and he danced the name "Dean Novak" around on his tongue, tasting it as much as he could and liking it more each time. Novak was so much more..._natural_ than Winchester was. He had grown up a Winchester, no real choice in the matter, but he had _chosen_ to be a Novak. And no one was going to take that priviledge away from him.

The woman handed him his key, and he took it gratefully, dragging only himself up the stairs to his second-floor room. When he opened it, he saw that it was bigger than almost all the motels he and Sam had ever stayed in; probably easily twice the size of a lot too. He reached to take off his leather jacket, and a chill crawled down his spine when he realized that it wasn't there. He instantly felt naked, and cold, and scared. Scared because he didn't know what he was doing, out in the open, wasting money on expensive hotels, and because of what? Sam? And Cas?

Dean stared at himself in the bathroom mirror, staring hard at the man that returned the look to him.

"Who do you think you are?" The reflection asked, a dry smirk on its face. "Dad?"

But Dean was not smiling. He replied curtly, "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Do you think you can run off whenever you feel like it? Whenever little old Dean gets his big boy feelings hurt? You can't run from family, Dean. Dad tried that, and now you're trying that too, and look where it's lead you! A damn hotel room, all by yourself!" The reflection laughed, never tearing it's eyes away from Dean's.

"So," Dean muttered, wanting desperately to look away, but he couldn't.

The reflection raised an eyebrow at him. "So? Dean, you're living out your fear. Your _worst_ fear. All because you can't face the truth."

"What truth?!" Dean barked. "There's no truth here! They...they..._abandoned_ me!"

The reflection shook it's head. "It's not about them, Dean. You know you don't care about what they do. Hell, you could've walked in on them having sex on the table and you wouldn't of given two shits!" There was a pause where Dean's jaw set and the reflection let out a little laugh.

"Well, I guess you would mind a little. But that's irrelevant. Because you keep telling yourself that it's all about them, everything that has ever happened to you is because of _them_, when really...it's all _you_ Dean."

Dean didn't offer a response; he simply curled his hands into tight fists.

The reflection sighed, as if explaining a topic that a kindergartner could've grasped. "You're angry. And it's not for anyone but yourself. You lash out because you don't want to take the blame._ Close your eyes Dean._ What do you see? You see pain and regret and sorrow, all because of you."

"I already know I'm a huge dick." Dean growled. "What's your point?"

The reflection leaned in real close, as if about to whisper a deep secret, and said quietly, "That you can change. Everything. You can be a better brother, a better friend, and...a better _lover_."

Dean didn't understand what happened after that until he woke up on the floor of the bathroom, his knuckles raw and caked in dried blood.

The mirror was completely shattered, and the backing had many indents where his fists had easily connected with the wall. He cleaned up his mess before laying on the bed and staring at the ceiling. He didn't want to fall asleep; the mirror had told him what he would see.

It was what he always saw.

And what he would always see.

That's just the way Dean accepted it. He deserved to be unhappy because he made others unhappy and never tried to brighten someone's day. He was a terrible, horrible, ugly person, and he saw it better than anyone. No one was ever going to really care about him.

Not even his brother, and especially not his best friend.

Perhaps this was part of why Dean Winchester was sad.

* * *

**A/N: **Again, sorry this took so long! And I'm sorry if it's really weird and boring; I promise there will be Destiel soon! And I'll post ASAP for reals this time guys.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **So I'm updating a little earlier than I thought! Merry Christmas! I worked my ass off to get this done, and I know it's a wee bit short, but at least it has the Destiel :)

Enjoy, happy holidays, blah blah blah.

-LetMeBeYourHero

* * *

**Chapter Two**

Castiel felt off.

Not more off than usual; the angel had been feeling off every day for a while to be honest. He never asked the Winchester boys about it because he figured it had something to do with his diminishing grace. His vessel taking over. And he didn't want to waste their time asking questions that would make them roll their eyes and explain really slowly, as if talking to a child, making Castiel feel inferior, and a small seed of anger would start to sprout in him. But then the boys would start arguing with each other and get in a fight and the seed would evaporate as the angel tried to calm the two down. That's how it always was.

And Castiel would never understand any better what he had first inquired about.

But he felt a different kind of off. Not the off of his grace slipping away and the human taking over, but more the off of something was wrong.  
Sam and Dean had described this feeling to him once. When something nestles at the pit of your stomach that makes you feel uncomfortable, and you know that that shouldn't be there and you have to do something about it. Or, something along the lines of that. But it was a feeling Castiel had only experienced once before, and that was when Sam and Dean were captured by some rather nasty sirens and couldn't, for whatever reason, reach him. Though he wasn't sure how the brothers could be captured considering they were the best in the business in Castiel's mind, the angel went searching, and retrieved the two just in time.

But that was Castiel's one and only experience with the feeling.

And it was not one he welcomed back kindly.

"Sam, I think something's wrong," Castiel said gruffly to the man across the table. He watched for the younger Winchester's reaction, but received none that he particularly approved of.

"I'll say. How hard is it to get a decent salad in this town?" Sam grumbled, flipping through the menu.

"That's not what I mean," Castiel insisted. "Something's _wrong_."

The urgency in the angel's voice caused Sam to look up and meet his gaze. They stared at each other for a long time, Castiel unwilling to break the contact because he felt like the weight of his stare could prove to Sam how bad he felt.

Finally, Sam piped up. "Alright, what's eating you?"

"Nothing is injesting me, I'm fine. But I have this...this feeling."

Sam raised an eyebrow. "A feeling?"

"Yes, yes, like the one I told you and Dean about after I rescued you two from those sirens." Castiel was getting frustrated; they were getting off topic. And time could be of the essence.

Sam nodded, studying Castiel. "So...you have a feeling that Dean and I are in danger?"

Castiel balled his hands into fists. The anger he would typically feel from these two was no match to the anger he felt now. "_Obviously,_ Sam!"

Sam didn't move, but waited for Castiel to calm down. "Look, Cas. I'm fine. You can see that I'm fine. And Dean is back at the motel with his beer and his Impala and his guns. Nothing in its right mind would even think twice about attacking him."

Castiel processed this information. It was true that nothing could be hurting Sam unless it was internal...and a quick glance deturred that theory. And Sam was right about his brother; no one could take better care of Dean than Dean. But none of these reassurances made the feeling go away. Maybe Castiel was feeling hunger, and he was confusing it with something else.

He had done that before when he first discovered arousal.

_"Cas, c'mon! You've been in the bathroom for an hour! Dean's going to kill me!"_

_"I'm not exactly an expert when it comes to pretending to be human, Sam. I am not familiar with how they dress when they are going 'undercover'."_

_Castiel could feel the rolling of Sam's eyes, and he quickly finished getting into the tuxedo the brothers had provided him with. He stepped out of the bathroom and looked down at himself, desperately wishing he could change back into his other suit. Or at least put the trench coat on over himself. He didn't understand why, but he felt...empty without it._

_"Besides, I am sure your brother would have a few choice words for the both of us," Castiel added in an attempt of reassurance._

_Sam looked up at him, also dressed in a very nice suit, and snorted. "Right. He'd totally curse at his little angel."_

_Castiel cocked his head to the side, a nasty habit he really should stop, and opened his mouth to comment when there was a loud honk from outside. That meant Dean had driven to the fancy restaurant, scoped the place out, and driven back for the other two already. Maybe Castiel was in there a little longer than he thought._

_"Don't forget the bottle!" Sam yelled as he flew out the door._

_The angel muttered to himself as he grabbed the concoction the Winchesters had made before they began this endeavor, and he walked outside. Dean had gotten out and was yelling at Sam outside the car. It was getting late, and the setting sun cast shadows upon the older brother's face that made Castiel pause in his tracks._

_And he stared at Dean._

_He saw the glint of Dean's muddy green colored eyes, and they paired nicely with his washed and combed sandy hair. He also wore the outfit Sam and Castiel were sporting, but it looked so much more..._fitting_ on Dean. It was tight and went nicely with his broad shoulders and V-shaped body._

_Dean's gaze turned and settled on him, his eyes growing just slightly darker._

_A feeling settled in Castiel's stomach, lower than any other feeling he had ever felt. His face was getting warmer by the minute, and all he could do was stare back at Dean. He felt clumsy and weak, like his knees would give out at any moment. It was such a rush of feeling, staring at him, that it scared Castiel to the point of tossing him the bottle and abandoning their mission, flying off to some cave in some mountain somewhere on Earth._

_He did not see them again until the siren capture._

_He really did not want to._

"Hey, Cas? Cas? Cas, are you with me?"

Sam snapped his fingers in front of Castiel's eyes, causing the angel to blink and look away. He didn't realize he had been going so into detail in his memories, relieving each feeling and trying to understand it all over again.

Castiel understood he had felt attracted to Dean, but something told him it was just because he was adjusting to his human self and had to experience desire and lust at some point. And considering how fond he was of Dean and Sam, it was no surprise that he would feel even more for them.

Though...it really never happened with Sam.

"So are we good? No problems with a feeling?" Sam raised an eyebrow.

Castiel reluctantly nodded.

He wished Dean were there.

"Good. So after we eat, we can go get a gift for Dean." Sam sighed. "I have no idea what he wants. I mean, I know what he _wants_, but I want to get something more meaningful this year for Christmas. I was thinking..."

Castiel tuned Sam out as he began picking at the food that had come during his flashback. He didn't need to eat, but it still made him feel better inside. And it pushed that bad feeling down, far enough that he could pretend it wasn't there, but it didn't go away.

If anything, it got louder.

* * *

Once Sam and Castiel had returned to the motel, Castiel's feeling was only twisted into further discomfort within his vessel seeing that Dean was not there. Sam took one quick sweep of the room and determined he had gone to buy beer. And that was that. No worry or fuss or anything from the younger Winchester. Castiel always found it marvelous how the two seemed to completely trust one another and not have to worry. Even without angelic gifts.

Castiel looked around the room, and his eyes zeroed in on the familiar worn, leather jacket that Dean never left anywhere. He wore it, he slept with it, it was always by his side.

"Why did Dean leave his favorite jacket?" Castiel asked, still staring at it.

Sam didn't bother to turn his gaze away from the television to reply, "It's a blizzard out there, Cas. He probably didn't wanna get it ruined. You know how he is with that thing."

Castiel swallowed this information, but it didn't settle right with that feeling in his stomach. He carefully picked up the jacket, as if picking up a baby or a fragile china doll. He picked it up with the most respect he could muster for a jacket. The angel turned it over in his hands, letting its rough edges pass under his palms and the smooth surface to glide under the pads of his fingers.

Castiel glanced at Sam, who was whole-heartedly focused on some cartoon on the television. Then he grasped the jacket tightly and inhaled deeply the smell of Dean.

Dean had a very distinct smell to Castiel. The Winchester probably didn't know it, but Castiel had used that smell to find him numerous times. It was an oaky smell, with the dampness of beer layered over a small spray of cheap cologne. It had a hint of oil from that old Impala mixed in, along with sweat and blood that hadn't been washed out during their many, many skirmishes with evil.

But Castiel detected a new smell. Maybe it had always been there and he never picked it up. But it was definitely foreign. It smelled clean and fresh, like standing in the middle of the ocean but without the overwhelming salt. The angel couldn't remember ever smelling such a thing before, and it almost instantly repulsed him. Cleanliness did not go hand in hand with Dean Winchester. The purity of the smell shouldn't coincide with the dirt and muck.

"Cas?" Sam asked, causing Castiel to jump and drop the jacket.

His head whipped around to look at Sam. "Yes?"

"...I found his phone." Sam furrowed his eyebrows, but Castiel didn't give him time to question. He was at his side in moments, the jacket on the ground but not forgotten.

"What does this mean?" Castiel asked gruffly, taking the phone roughly.

Sam hesitated before answering, "Maybe you were right. Maybe something is up."

Castiel felt a rush of something shoot through him. Anger? Fear? A mixture of both? He didn't really care at that moment; the angel knew he had to find Dean.

Sam stole a car and they drove off, checking every typical Dean place in a ten mile radius of their motel. All the while, Castiel clutched the jacket to his chest, no longer holding it with care and tenderness, but more of a need and desire that was scaring him blind, but he chose to ignore it. He could figure out all the human details after they found Dean.

After_ he_ found Dean.

* * *

_"You know, Cas, I'm kind of an ass." _

_Castiel stared at Dean before answering, "You're actually intoxicated."_

_"I'm always in-tox-i-cate-ed," He giggled, dragging out the word._

_"I don't think you are. There are times when you're socially acceptable."_

_Dean roared with laughter, throwing his head back as if it were the funniest thing in the world. The sound made the corners of Castiel's mouth twitch upward, as if the start of a smile that didn't know what it was doing._

_"You say the weirdest shit, you know that?" Dean shook his head, finishing off the last beer in his cooler. He reached for another, frowning to find it empty. "Damn, Cas, I didn't know angels liked to drink so much."_

_"Dean, you drank all of that."_

_Dean shook his head, "Blaming other people now, are we? How rude." He chuckled to himself, and Castiel actually formed a smile. He surprised both himself and Dean._

_"Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up! Angels...have a sense of humor?"_

_"We can experience the emotions that humans do, yes." _Though we can't feel love_._

_"Dude, that's awesome." Dean's grin spread and he looked sleepy. "You know, I've always thought angels were these pure, perfect things that have big fluffy white wings and wore togas and stuff."_

_Castiel stared at him. "You're clearly mistaken."_

_He shrugged and laid on the hood of the Impala. "I still don't have proof of my wing theory." _

_Castiel almost blushed. Dean noticed the hesitation and sat up. "What?"_

_"Angels do have their own form of modesty, you know."_

_Dean furrowed his eyebrows before laughing again. "You mean to say that angels are shy about showing off their bomb-ass wings?"_

_"The way you feel about stripping down completely bare is how we feel about revealing our wings. It makes us feel...naked."_

_Dean made a motion with his tongue, flicking it out of his mouth quick enough to graze his bottom lip before retreating back into his mouth. Castiel failed to recognize the meaning of such a gesture, but it caused that ache in his lower regions to start again._

_"You don't gotta if you don't wanna." Dean said, laying back down on the hood, though he was restless and slightly sobered up now. "I mean, I get it if you don't trust me."_

_Castiel flinched and looked away, and suddenly his wings were stretching upward, high, higher than he thought he could stretch them. He closed his eyes, focusing his grace on those extra appendages. He needed to focus in order for Dean's drunken state to capture them in all their glory._

_The angel tried not to think about the stare he was receiving from Dean. He could feel the judgement and wondered if Dean was repulsed by Castiel. By the abomination before him. The thought made Castiel's heart begin to hurt and he lost the grace he had concentrated, falling to his knees and clutching his chest. When he opened his eyes, Dean was right there._

_"They're...they're pretty damn beautiful Cas," Dean smiled softly, helping him up._

_Castiel stared at Dean, the ache disappearing and filling with so much joy that he couldn't stop the smile that spread across his face. "Do you really think so? I've been told that my wings are a bit different from other angels because I spend so much time on Earth. Some find them...repulsive."_

_"Well they obviously need to have a chat with me." Dean chuckled and slapped him on his shoulder. "Really, man, they're pretty neat. I wish I had wings. Man the things I would do..."_

_Dean trailed off, listing things that wings would help him with, but Castiel stopped listening. He watched the way the muscles contracted on Dean's face, how his jaw set during certain points and his lips pursed at others. He would occasionally dampen his lips, take a breath, and continue talking again. Humans were so_ fascinating.

_"Cas? Hello-ooo? Earth to Cas!"_

_Castiel unwillingly tore his eyes away from Dean's mouth and into his eyes. He had moved an arm around Castiel's shoulders some time during the story telling, and they were dangerously close. Castiel felt a heat fill his body, and suddenly his thought about angel emotions earlier seemed very inaccurate to him._

_"I love you," Castiel said randomly. It seemed like such an innocent statement. _

_There was a moment where he was just staring at Dean, and suddenly the man backed away, leaving Castiel cold and sad._

_"I-I'm sorry Dean." He began, but Dean was shaking his head. _

_"You should...you should go, Cas." He turned his back on the angel, hanging over his car, shoulders hunched and the jacket tightly wrapped around him._

_Castiel wanted to leave, to leave and never return, for his heart ached and felt as if a blade had ripped it to shreds. But instead, he stumbled forward, placing his hand on Dean's head, and watching the memories disappear before his eyes, being falsely replaced with new ones._

_Dean was going to remember a different night, but Castiel wouldn't._

_Castiel would never forget._


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: **Sorry it's short and dumb and repetitive. I just wanted to post so I didn't leave you all in the dark. Also sorry it's really late...though I didn't really set a time for it to be posted.

Please enjoy! Review maybe?

-LetMeBeYourHero

* * *

**Chapter Three**

Dean Winchester felt nothing.

The feeling of nothing was more of a sense of emptiness. Not necessarily loneliness; he felt plenty of that already. And it wasn't a lack of emotion either; there were enough visible in his eyes alone.

Just empty. And cold.

_So cold._

And as he lay in his expensive hotel bed, thinking on what could have lead to this, he felt a certain presence in the room. Or, really, he felt the feeling of _wanting_ to feel a certain presence in the room. And that presence was one he only felt when he was desperate, or lonely, or scared.

He felt Cas.

He _wanted_ to feel Cas.

But the angel wasn't there. Dean had drove him off. Many, many times he drove the only good thing in his world off, but he always came back to Dean. He always returned to help, not necessarily with a smile on his face, but the closest thing the angel could muster.

And Dean felt so...so...

So _happy_ with Cas around. Happier than he ever felt with just Sammy.

Yet he always drove him away.

And he always hated himself for it, too.

It was a vicious cycle that Dean Winchester was bound to repeat until the end of his days unless he could force himself out of the loop. He knew how; he had to summon the angel to his room, tell him how much Dean needed him and wanted him to stay with the brothers, and maybe, just maybe, Cas would reciprocate the feeling of want and need and then everything will be happier.

Dean sighed at his plan. What was he thinking? Cas, reciprocate feelings even Dean didn't understand sometimes? It was like telling a wall to explain love.

Dean stared at the ceiling.

What really _is_ love, anyway?

Having someone take care of you in your time of need? A shoulder to cry on in your lowest lows? A hand to hold while you cross the street? An extra body to warm a bed during the night?

Dean's nose wrinkled at the thought of the last one.

So often has Dean gone blind, never, _ever_ really feeling love. Sure, he had his love for his brother, but that was a completely different kind. And the love for his Impala was probably closer to that of his brotherly love. There was the maternal kind of love, but he didn't really get enough of that to particularly consider it.

Dean had spent so many nights with so many meaningless women, that love was never really in the picture. And the year he spent with Lisa, he had said the word to her countless times. But, looking back, he realized he never really meant it. He loved her for taking care of him when he desperately needed it, but he didn't have a strong devotion to her.

Isn't that what love is? Devotion?

Or perhaps love was made up of a bunch of little things complied into a giant mess. That seemed more probable; love and mess were often used as synonyms.

Dean thought of the little things that Lisa would do for him, but nothing really made his heart swell and his mind click with the thought, _Oh I'm definitely in love with her_. She had her quirks of making him extra salty eggs after a wild night or doing his hair whenever they were going some place fancy, but nothing stuck in his mind as perfect.

Perfect.

Was love supposed to be perfect?

Dean had always thought that love was when you knew someone wasn't perfect, but you didn't care. Because they were perfect with their imperfections.

Sam had a lot of imperfections and quirks. Most of them Dean could live with.

Cas...Cas had a couple things that quickly became habits...

However, Dean was never very fond of any of them.

Like how Cas enjoyed randomly popping in on Dean in the shower. Thank God it wasn't literally_ in the shower_, but there was always that familiar flutter of wings just outside the curtains that caused Dean to nearly slip and kill himself every time. He'd yell at Cas, who would simply reply that he wanted to check in on Dean and make sure he was alright.

Or how the angel watched him sleep, which was completely creepy. Dean could always tell because he would very slowly open his eyes in the morning and the angel would be staring right at him, an odd expression on his face. An expression that made Dean get up and confront him about being creepy. However Cas always replied that Dean looked very happy when he slept, and Cas enjoyed seeing Dean happy.

Dean frowned.

All Cas ever did was work towards Dean's happiness and make sure he was okay.

And what did Dean ever do in return?

Send him away.

Perhaps love was when Cas came to the Winchesters whenever they called. Or...really whenever Dean called. He would drop _everything_ and come to his aid. Sometimes it was completely stupid, and sometimes it was important, but he came either way.

Only to be sent away again, and again, and again.

_What're you doing to yourself Dean?_

_Only what I deserve._


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: **This chapter was actually incredibly hard to write. I don't really know why because usually words come so easily to me, but I really struggled over this, and it probably sucks either way, but I hope you like it!

Perhaps we could get some reviews up in here?

Maybe?

Please! :)

-LetMeBeYourHero

* * *

**Chapter Four**

Castiel hated himself for putting that damn mark on Dean that hid him from angels. Even though Castiel felt like he didn't need his angelic abilities to find Dean because the feelings he had currently were strong enough to practically pinpoint him, the angel still wanted them to just...help.

Castiel would've taken any help at this point. It had felt like him and Sam had been searching for weeks looking for Dean, each place turning up empty and making the bad feeling originially in Castiel's stomach sink lower and lower. Sam was beside himself with worry, complaining about how every little thing bothered Dean and he should really learn to grow up, but Castiel was completely silent.

And lost.

They were stopped at a train crossing currently, Sam groaning about how it had to be the longest train in history, and Castiel stared at it slowly roll by.

He never liked trains; they were always smelly and noisy.

_"Kinda like Sam, am I right?" Dean chuckled, hitting the steering wheel._

"Dean..." Castiel mumbled, seeing his face so clearly out the window, as if he was sitting just right there. Like the angel could reach out and feel his soft skin, run his fingers through the gentle locks...

_"I'm not really here, Cas." Dean said, shrugging. "You're hallucinating pal."_

"No...no you're right here, Dean." Cas croaked, his throat dangerously dry, scraping the pads of his fingers down the window pane in a desperate attempt to reach Dean.

"Cas...? Cas, you okay?" Sam asked hesitantly, but Castiel wasn't listening to him.

_"Why'd you let me leave, Cas?" Dean asked softly, looking down. "Why'd you let me walk away? Are you even looking for me? Do you even care that I'm gone?"_

"Of course I care!" Castiel cried, banging his fist against the window. "I care too much Dean! That's why I had to let you go!"

"Cas stop! You're going to break the window!" Sam's voice was getting louder, but it sounded muffled behind the sound of Castiel's blood pounding in his ears, straining to hear everything that Dean said.

_"I don't believe you." Dean shook his head. "Why didn't you just tell me? Maybe I would've stayed...but it's too late now. I'm gone." His eyes met Castiel's. "Forever."_

"No you're not!" Dean began to fade, and Castiel panicked. "I'm going to find you Dean!" Dean disappeared, but not before Castiel added a loud, "I love you!" and broke the car window.

Castiel burst out the car door and ran off into the night, leaving behind a bewildered Sam and a broken car. He was running parallel to the train, and he unfurled his wings, flying into the air.

_"Can you take me flying one day?" Dean asked, his eyes sparkling._

_Castiel looked down at Dean next to him on the bed. "I take you flying all the time when we go to Bobby's."_

_"I mean real flying, Cas. Like...slow flying. So I can really experience it."_

_Castiel looked down at his hands. "I...I don't know if I can."_

_Dean sat up, watching him. "Why?"_

_"Because you need to be very bonded with someone to experience something like that. It's a sensitive and unique part of being an angel; we can't just go around giving everyone free rides so they can just experience it." Castiel curled his fingers into a fist. "And...I've never done it before."_

_Dean raised an eyebrow. "You're not shy, are you?"_

_"Only around you, Dean."_

_There was a pause that made Castiel wonder if he said the wrong thing again. He did that a lot these days._

_"Why's that?" Dean asked, his voice low._

_Castiel shifted uncomfortably; he didn't like talking about the feelings he hardly understood. "I don't know, to be honest."_

_Dean nodded, laying his head on Castiel's lap. It was an odd touch, but it made warmth spread through the angel's body. A warmth he had been experiencing for a while now, where he wouldn't be able to look away from Dean, and get the itching desire to run his fingers through his hair and listen to the sound he makes._

_Castiel did just that._

_His breath drew in quickly._

_Dean's hair was soft._

_"What are you doing?" Dean asked, though he didn't seem that bothered by it._

_"Go to sleep," Castiel replied in a hushed tone. Dean quickly obliged. _

_And watching Dean sleep, curled up into his side with his head so neatly set on his thigh, Castiel closed his eyes._

_And he dreamed of Dean._

_He dreamed of love._

Castiel would scour every point of the earth to find Dean, to wrap him in his arms and tell him what he should've told him back on the hood of the Impala.

That he, Castiel, the legendary angel, was in love with a human.

Was in love with _Dean_.

* * *

Castiel felt exhausted. Not just physically, but emotionally. He had pictured the entire time looking for Dean what Dean's reaction to Castiel's announcement would be, what his face would look like, what words he would utter out of those defined lips of his.

And not very many were a good reaction.

Even the good reactions weren't good reactions. They were more like, "Oh Cas, that's really sweet, but I don't want to ruin our friendship,", which was practically a knife in the chest as much as, "What the fuck?! Do I _look_ gay or something?! You're such a fucking weirdo Cas. Just go."

That was the reaction Castiel expected the most.

The angel had a pretty good lead on Dean; he had interogated a sales clerk at a gas station and found that Dean had stopped there only to refuel, which was very odd of Dean. Usually he liked to pick up sweet treats for himself, Sam, and Castiel, though Castiel never ate his and Dean knew this, so he just ate extra for himself.

But the trail had run cold when apparently Dean seemed to just drive endlessly.

So now he was in a town, he didn't really care to know the name, and was dragging himself from motel to motel, using Dean's aliases to track him down along with the fake FBI badge Dean gave him, but no one recognized the names. Eventually, Castiel knew he had to pick a place to settle down or he was going to collapse.

Castiel never liked the motels the boys picked out. They were cheap and gross and uncomfortable. However, there was a nice hotel. It was a big unorthodox, but it would work for the night.

Castiel walked inside, to the woman behind the counter, and said tiredly, "One room for the night, please."

She stared at him, and it was then that Castiel realized he probably looked like a mess. He had been flying through blizzards and dingy motels that he more than likely looked like hell, as Dean always put it.

"Alright...what's the name of the room?"

Castiel had to think about the question; it was such an odd question. He knew she was asking his name, and ususally he would've made a remark, but he was just too drained to really care.

"Castiel," he said.

She typed into her computer and paused. "And a last name?"

Castiel hesitated. He knew the last names of all the different aliases that the boys used, but none came to mind right now. And if he used the name Winchester, Sam wouldn't be able to find him and Dean might see the name and run off again.

"Uh...Novak." It was the first name to pop into his head. He hoped Jimmy wouldn't mind.

She began typing again but paused once more. "There's a Novak already staying here. Are you two together?"

Castiel cocked his head to the side. Would Dean really use Jimmy's last name to hide so well from him and Sam? It was a clever idea...but why would he stay at a hotel? Questions kept popping into Castiel's mind, and suddenly he realized he had left the woman waiting impatiently.

"Yes," he blurted out, though his head was really screaming that the likelihood it was actually Dean was slim.

"Well, I'll let him know you're here," She said and picked up the phone.

"No!" Castiel yelled. Calling Dean would only alert to him that he was there, giving Dean plenty of time to escape. And calling a random person could raise suspicion and get him into trouble with the earth law. He needed a cover plan. "I...uh...I wanted to surprise...them. It's our...wedding night." Castiel hated lying, but it was the only good plan he could think of.

She stared at him, and for the longest time Castiel was certain she was going to call the room anyway, but instead she put down the phone and handed him a key, saying, "Please keep the antics down. Things tend to echo in this hotel."

Castiel nodded, confused as to what she was talking about, and took the key, going up to the room indicated on it via the stairs. He reached the door in what seemed like a matter of moments, and stood in front of it, staring at the wood, his hand raised to knock like normal humans do.

He knocked.

There was a shuffling of feet and the door opened.

The breath Castiel had been holding was released.

_"Cas?"_

* * *

**A/N: **I will seriously try to upload the next chapter as fast as possible! Maybe some reviews would help coax me?


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: **Sooooo sorry it took so long for me to upload this! It was quite a hectic week.

A huge, gigantic, massive thank you to PerfectingSilence, CastiellaWinchester94, doglady, DarkShadows418, Tabby, and that sneaky little Guest! I definitely did not expect reviews when I looked at this story! You really made my day, and this chapter is dedicated to you all :)

Thanks so much for reading everyone, I hope you enjoy this lame chapter! I tried to make it longer for you!

The next one will come soon. I don't really know how many I'll be writing; I'm kind of just going with the flow right now!

Thank you, again :)

-LetMeBeYourHero

* * *

**Chapter Five**

Dean Winchester was staring out the window when he heard the knock on the door. He was lost in his thoughts when it happened. They were thoughts of Sam and his parents, thoughts of what his own family would be like, but mostly thoughts of Cas.

Dean thought of how the angel looked; like a dorky accountant, obviously, but how his _features_ looked. How his eyes would narrow when he was trying to understand something, or his head would turn to the side when he was thinking hard. He thought of the emotion that Dean could hear in his voice after knowing him for so long; how it deepened when he was hurt or nervous, and how it sounded almost cheerful when he was with the Winchesters doing nothing.

_Nothing_.

How could doing nothing make an emotionless being _happy_?

Dean stared at the night sky. He couldn't see the stars anymore because dark clouds were blocking them. And, despite his yelling at the balls of gas earlier, he so desperately wanted to see them at that moment. Because then he could pretend.

He could pretend that there were angels looking over him.

That there were angels that cared about him.

And about then is when the knocking finally reached his ears.

He jumped at first; why would anyone be knocking at his door? Maid service was typically a morning thing, wasn't it? He stood and slowly made his way to the door, thinking about how it was probably just his luck that he picked the hooker hotel to stay at and now he had to pay a prostitute a thousand dollars or something to-

He opened it.

The first thing to pop into his mind was a joke about how this place had really lowered their standards on the prostitutes they send to paying customers' rooms, but he couldn't form the words. He just stood there, staring for a moment, before at last something came out.

"...Cas?"

Dean surprised himself at how relieved he sounded; almost desperately relieved. Like the angel had showed up at just the right time. As if Dean was on the verge of a mental breakdown and just Cas' presence stopped everything.

Cas stared back at Dean, looking as bewildered as an angel could. Did he not expect to find Dean there? In any other circumstance, Dean would've cracked another joke about how his emotions were showing or some stupid line that would hurt Cas' feelings. But Dean didn't do that. He didn't want to hurt his feelings.

Because then Cas would leave.

But Dean wanted him to stay.

"I found you," Cas said bluntly, as if everything was just a game of hide-and-seek.

Dean smiled. "Yea you did, little buddy."

Cas forced himself to look away as he asked, "May I come in?"

"Yes of course," Dean replied quickly, then cursed himself afterwards. He hated how needy he sounded; he didn't need Cas. Cas and Sam had betrayed him, and that's why he had left in the first place.

And yet...Dean did need Cas. He needed to see the softness in his striking blue eyes when they glanced from him to the broken mirror that Dean had all but forgotten about. The angel never asked a question thought; he knew Dean didn't want to talk about it. And Dean needed the cup of coffee that Cas began to make him, handing it to him black, exactly how Dean liked it. Dean especially needed Cas when he set the cup down and looked out the window, seeing the stars peeking through the clouds, and he fell apart. He grabbed Cas, hugging him tighter then he ever hugged someone before.

"I'm so sorry," Dean choked out, feeling hot tears stream down his face.

Cas slowly began to reciprocate the hug and asked slowly, "Sorry for what, Dean?"

"I'm sorry I ever sent you away. I'm sorry about every mean thing I ever said to you. I'm sorry that it took me so long to realize that I need you, Cas. You've always been there for me and I've been such an ass and I know I don't deserve to ask this of you, but_ please_...never leave."

Dean didn't know why all the things in his head were suddenly spilling out of his mouth. Perhaps it was that the room was so comfortably warm, or that Cas smelled so familiarly like pine needles and a sea breeze. Maybe it was that Cas had actually spiked his coffee or was using his angelic mojo on Dean. Whatever the reason was, Dean felt so light-headed afterwards. He stumbled away from Cas and sat on the bed.  
Cas kneeled in front of Dean and studied his face. Normally Dean would've felt self conscious and looked away, but he could hardly move without feeling so dizzy. He gripped Cas' shoulder a little too tight and the angel winced before cupping a hand around Dean's face.

"I don't think you're supposed to be this hot, Dean," Cas said in his normal, gruff voice.  
Dean forced out a chuckle. "You're just now noticing that?"

Cas stared at him. "I'm being serious Dean, your temperature is abnormal."

"I'll be fine," Dean laid back on the bed. "Get me an ice pack, will ya?"

Cas stood and walked to the mini fridge, pulling out some ice and wrapping it in a towel. He walked back over and placed it on Dean's forehead, dabbing it around his face.

Dean sighed happily. "Much better." He looked up at Cas and grinned. "This is quite the roleplay we have going on, huh? Sick patient and the nurse? I'm telling you, Cas, all we need is you in a sexy nurse outfit..." Dean didn't really want to picture it, but it came to mind anyway. And it was definitely not a good thought.

"Dean, I think I should take you to a hospital or something," Cas said, his tone growing edgy with worry. "What if you're dying?"

"Cas, I'm not dying. I'm just a little tired." He shuddered. What happened to the room being comfortably warm? "And cold, kinda."

Cas quickly stripped off his accountant jacket and wrapped it around Dean. "I don't know if this will help, but it's all I have at the moment."

Dean stared at Cas. He couldn't believe the weight of the words that Cas had either intentionally or unintentionally said. _It's all I have._ As in Cas was giving Dean everything, everything that Cas could possibly give Dean. And adding, "At the moment" meant that he was willing to give Dean more then just his physical possessions. He was willing to give Dean his entire being. His entire essence of who he was. But only if Dean wanted it.

"Cas..." Dean croaked, staring at the angel.

"Yes Dean?" Cas met his eyes.

"Why did you come find me?"

Cas raised an eyebrow at him. "Why would I not?"

"Well why wouldn't you just assume that I had gone to sleep with some girl or that I was driving to another case or something?"

Cas sat there, staring at Dean, his eyes bouncing over Dean's features. It made Dean feel self conscious, but at the same time, it made him feel proud. Proud that _he_ was chosen by Cas to be raised out of hell, and proud that _he_ was the one Cas considered his friend.

"Because I felt like something was wrong," He began quietly. "I felt that you weren't off doing that; like you were in trouble, almost like the time you and Sam were taken." He rubbed his palms on his suit pants. _Can angels get sweaty palms?_ The thought amused Dean and he smiled.

"I'm glad you did," Dean said with a sigh. "I was in a dark place Cas."

Cas cocked his head. "Why did you leave in the first place?"

Dean looked up, down, to the side, anywhere but at Cas. He was ashamed of the reason he left; it was so stupid and ridiculous.

"Because...I saw you and Sam at Marie Callendar's...and I guess I got upset."

Cas blinked. "Upset? Because we were eating together?"

"No not that..."

"Eating pie?"

"Just forget it," Dean grumbled, looking away.

There was a moment before Cas stated, "Eating without you." Dean crossed his arms over his chest not offering an answer. "Sam and I...we didn't mean to make you upset, Dean. Sam wanted to get something to eat before we started shopping for your Christmas gift because Sam wanted it to be special this year-"

"Wait," Dean looked back at Cas. "You and Sam were out...because of me?"

Cas nodded. "Nothing more."

Dean stared at him and felt a new wave of guilt crash over him. Sam and Cas had to go through all this trouble to find him and he was only out because he was assuming something about a weird situation and really it was all for him.

"I'm such a dick," Dean muttered, throwing himself back on the bed.

"It was a misunderstanding, Dean."

"Why do you have to be so nice?" Dean sighed. "Honestly, all I am is rude to you, and you still talk to me. Sam only talks to me because we're brothers and he has to. But you...you can fly away at any moment. Why don't you just leave us?"

* * *

Castiel was almost offended by Dean's question. Not almost, he was offended. And really hurt. Did Dean really think that Castiel would just leave him and Sam behind without so much as a decent explanation? Is that how Dean saw their friendship?

"It's...it's not like that for me, Dean," Castiel mumbled, looking back at the broken mirror. He could imagine how enraged Dean must've been, how hurt he was to break something like that. It made Castiel hurt more.

Any other day, Castiel would've asked himself where all these emotions were springing up from. But, as he glanced at Dean, Castiel knew he didn't have to ask such a dumb question, especially when the answer was right in front of him.

"What's it like then, Cas? Tell me."

Dean stared at Castiel, determination in his eyes. He thought so little of himself that Castiel wondered if he still thought he belonged in hell, despite the countless things he's done for this world. No, when Dean Winchester would die, he would have a special place up in heaven, and he could see everyone he ever loved there.

Castiel would make sure of that.

"It began the day that I was assigned to go with my garrison to extract a human out of jail. Typically we wouldn't do things like that, and I was questioning who this human was. I was told that if I got close enough to him, I had to grab him and run for my life, but really anyone in my garrison could've grabbed that man. However, I got to him first, and helped him out of hell. I didn't expect to make contact with him again, but for whatever reason, the human kept trying to figure out who I was. Finally, I made myself known to him, and I was a loyal angel that would assist this Dean Winchester on the right path to become Michael's vessel, as I was told to do. But Dean Winchester wasn't like other humans; he wasn't obedient, or nice to play with, and certainly wasn't going to listen to some stuck up angel like me. One thing he was, though, was stubborn. And it's probably because he was stubborn that he saved me so many times. He was also very loyal, and I was surprised to learn that he called me a friend. I never had a friend before him, but I relished the bond we had grown, and I went out of my way to save Dean, no matter the cost. I don't think he ever understood why I saved him when really, he saved me. He got me away from my corrupt garrison and taught me what it was like to be free and to have faith in someone. And that is a price that I could never repay to Dean, no matter how hard I try."

Castiel met Dean's gaze.

"You say that you need me, Dean Winchester, but really, I need you."

* * *

**Quick A/N: **More reviews might encourage me to write faster...just saying ;)


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: **Aren't you all SO happy I'm posting this SO early? ;)

I was just feeling so inspired to write, especially since I had reviewers! Thank you to PerfectingSilence (again haha), another lovely Guest, Gaby, that sneaky cheeky Guest ;), and Madame Marmelade! I appreciate them so much, and you all are the reason I write! So this chapter is dedicated to you, naturally :)

Please enjoy. I know it's short and sucks, but try to anyway?

Lots of love,

-LetMeBeYourHero

* * *

**Chapter Six**

It didn't take long for Dean Winchester to fall asleep next to Castiel, his head not exactly on the angel's lap, but as close as it could be to him. Castiel watched Dean sleep for as long as he could before he knew what he had to do.

Castiel gently took the cell phone from the pocket of his trench coat still wrapped around Dean and called Sam.

"Cas?" Sam answered breathlessly.

"Yes Sam...why do you sound exhausted?" Castiel asked curiously.

"Because the train ended up breaking down and I ditched the car and started running the way you took off and I've been running ever since," He forces out in one rushed sentence.

Castiel instantly felt guilt creep up on him, and it was a feeling he didn't enjoy.

"I'm...I'm very sorry for taking off like that Sam," Castiel said quietly.

Sam took a deep breath before saying in a slower tone, "Hey, it's alright Cas. I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown myself." He laughed tiredly. "So did you call with more bad news?"

"Actually quite the opposite." Castiel said in a light tone. He started to move away from Dean so as not to wake him up, but the man turned over in his sleep and curled into Castiel's side. There was no way Castiel could move and not wake him up. He knew what a light sleeper Dean was. Castiel sighed and finished saying, "I found him."

There was a pause before Sam exclaimed, "Thank God! I knew you could do it Cas, that's just...awesome. Where was he? Is he alright? Why did he leave?"

Question after question came pouring through the phone, and Castiel tried to keep up, but he couldn't even get one answer out.

"Sam!" He said forcefully, making the other end go silent. "I will explain everything to you back at the motel. Tell me where you are and I'll come to get you and we can drive back."

"Drive? What do you mean drive, can't you just fly us back?" Sam complained; Castiel could tell he was so tired and just wanted some sleep.

"Dean will get suspicious if he wakes up and his car isn't at the motel, won't he?"

Another pause, this one much longer. Sam finally said quietly, "Won't Dean remember?"

Castiel stared at Dean, at his peaceful face sleeping. He had told Dean a couple times how he liked to watch Dean sleep, because that was when he looked his happiest. Castiel never, or rarely, got to see Dean happy, and so whenever he could, he stole the chance. Even if, for whatever reason, it made Dean uncomfortable.

But staring at this happiness at his side, Castiel knew that he couldn't take that away from Dean. Dean would wake up tomorrow and feel like such a complete ass and he would mope around and nothing productive would get done, and his and Castiel's relationship would possibly be ruined because Castiel practically told Dean how much he needed him or else he wouldn't be able to function.

And maybe it was selfish of Castiel, but he wanted to keep Dean.

Even if it meant keeping him oblivious.

"No," Castiel answered reluctantly.

Sam sighed; he could obviously hear the sadness in Castiel's tone. "Are you ever going to tell him you love him?"

Castiel jumped at the statement, and was just about to ask how Sam even knew of that when Castiel just barely admitted it to himself, but then he remembered. He remembered the crazy conversation he had with "Dean" with Sam right next to him. Castiel was tired, and angry, and so very confused, he could've shouted out a number of things.  
Apparently one of them was his deepest secret.

"No," Castiel repeated, brushing the pads of his fingers through Dean's hair. It was still so soft, despite him running a fever, as Dean called it.

"No, I don't want to hurt him. Not anymore."

Sam didn't question further, but hung up with a low "fine". Castiel thought he sounded almost hurt, but he didn't understand why and just ignored the thought. He gathered Dean into his arms and carried him down to the car, then flew to Sam and retrieved him, bringing him back to that black 1967 Chevy Impala to drive them all back to the motel.

Back to normality.

* * *

Dean Winchester woke up with a searing headache. He winced as he sat up, clutching his head and opening his eyes to see spots. He swung his legs over the side of the bed and waited for them to go away briefly before walking quickly to the bathroom and splashing cold water on his face. He stood there, gripping the sides of the sink, for a good couple of minutes before walking back to the main space of the motel room.

Sam was sitting at the table with his laptop open, obviously looking for their next job, and Cas was sitting across from him, staring out the window into the morning sky. Sam was talking to him, but Cas wasn't listening. Dean could tell he was lost in his own thoughts.

"So guys, how hammered was I last night?" He grinned, pulling up a chair at the table.

Both of them looked at him, but neither had the expression Dean was expecting.

Sam looked at Dean almost like he was sad, or sympathetic. And it wasn't Sam's normal look that he gave Dean after, say, if Dean told him he had just had a nightmare. No, this was Sam's eyes _filled_ with pity, and Dean would've expected him to reach out and hug him until he started turning blue.

Cas was a completely different story. He had his usual stone-face in place, but his eyes weren't displaying his feelings as they typically did. They were sealed off, a distant blue that wasn't like his typical vibrant color. They stared at Dean, emotions practically bursting behind that wall, but Dean couldn't see them.

And seeing these expressions of the two most important people in his life, he felt an ache begin to arise in his chest. It wasn't heart burn; he had had that plenty of times to know the difference. No, this was an ache that moved from his chest and settled at the pit of his stomach, as if he was missing something that these two knew about but he didn't. And the feeling only amplified when Dean thought about what he did last night...what he couldn't seem to recall...

"Man, I am so hungry," Dean said, playing off the feeling as if it were nothing. He walked to the fridge, opening it to reveal nothing. "Dammit, who ate my burger?!"

"You did Dean," Sam said with a chuckle, turning back to his laptop. "Last night."

"Last night...what exactly happened last night?" Dean scratched his head. "I must've been completely shit-faced if I can't remember a single thing, huh?"

"What's the last thing you do remember?" Cas asked in his deep voice.

Dean thought about it. "Um...we had just checked in to the motel, and Sam said he wanted to go out with some hot babe he had met and you had some angel business to do and I was watching TV...I must've passed out hard." He laughed and shook his head.

"Well nothing eventful happened while you were out," Sam said with a shrug.

"Absolutely nothing," Cas added, making Sam kick him under the table and Cas to look away. Dean narrowed his eyes, but didn't press the matter. Obviously something went down, but if they didn't want to talk about it, he didn't really care.

"So where should we go for breakfast?" Dean asked, getting a glass of water. "There was a nice Marie Callendar's down the street."

"No!" Cas and Sam said simultaneously.

Dean rolled his eyes. "Okay guys, spill the beans. What the hell happened last night?"

Cas and Sam looked at each other, and Sam finally sighed before saying, "We...we went out to dinner...and we were looking for your Christmas present..."

Dean's eyes widened. "I remember!"

Cas stared at him. "You do?"

"Yea! I saw you guys at the restaurant and...and I followed you to the auto shop, where Sammy bought me a sweet motorcycle, and then you two realized I was following you, and you both took me to a bar and got me so drunk I couldn't remember!" Dean laughed, whole-heartedly laughed. "Guys, that's great. That's an awesome Christmas gift, thanks."

Dean smiled and looked at Sam looking at Cas.

Sam said slowly, "Yea...it was Cas' idea."

"Thanks little buddy," Dean said, clapping his hand on the angel's shoulder. "Let's go hit Denny's or something. It's Christmas Eve after all!"

Dean walked out of the motel room, but that feeling was still in his stomach. It made a thought run across Dean's mind, but he quickly dismissed it. Dean didn't need anything but food right then, and he certainly wasn't feeling anything but hunger. He scoffed at his mind for ever coming up with such a thought as feeling lonely, or empty, or especially _sad_.

He laughed.

Dean Winchester never felt sad.

* * *

**A/N ****PLEASE READ*****: **

I actually was really sad writing this chapter.

As a writer, I love having sad endings. They make things feel more realistic and I just really enjoy that out of stories. But as a reader, I'm all for cheesy happy endings (as long as they're well written, of course).

So naturally, I'm conflicted as to whether or not I want this to be the end.

**IN CONCLUSION**, I am leaving it up to YOU people to decide. Review and tell me if you'd like this to be the end or if you're going to force me to write another chapter that will ultimately suck and you'll hate me for.

:)

If I get none then this will be the end anyway and you'll have to live with the fact that in this world, Dean and Castiel were never meant to be.

I will end the voting on Friday night, and Saturday I may or may not write a chapter ;)

So think about it lovelies. Pretty please.

-LetMeBeYourHero


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: **Alright, so you guys forced me to labor over writing another chapter. Sigh at you guys.

Thanks for the reviews: **PerfectingSilence** (I really do love your name and I don't really know why, just thought I'd let you know), **doglady.1** (sorry I messed up your name last time, I'm a bit of a ditz), **weeeew** (I don't really get that name but to each their own, darling), **Madame Marmelade** (thank you for so many reviews, you've been such a help to me :)), **Sarah Norling **(thank you for the compliments, you're too kind :)), and **GypsyTaft **(again, the compliments are too much :))

I don't really know why you all like this damn fanfiction so much that you'd make me write another gross chapter (which, by the by, I didn't edit because I was so friggin' tired after writing it).

I hope you get the fullest out of it.

-LetMeBeYourHero

* * *

**Chapter Seven**

Christmas came quickly for the Winchesters. They had to take care of four pagan gods on Christmas Eve night, so it wasn't surprising when the two brothers slept in late. Dean was actually surprised to wake up and see that it was almost noon. He asked Sam why he hadn't woken Dean up, but his brother just said that they needed a day off after nearly being sacrificed during the Christmas holidays. _Again._

An inquiry to where Cas was made Sam frown and quietly make up some excuse.

Dean had found a pattern in this lately.

At first it didn't bother him. He figured the two still felt guilty for being found out and that they had completely jacked up Dean's memory in the process. But Cas never showed up at all last night, and it really had begun to bother Dean. The angel knew he was always invited to share holidays with the boys since heaven seemed to typically take a break around those times. Like just that thanksgiving, when the three of them had two days to just chill and eat all the food they could possibly stuff themselves with.

Well, excluding Cas, naturally, but he still enjoyed being with the brothers.

Or...at least, Dean had thought he did.

Maybe Cas really was annoyed by the brothers. Maybe he hated how they called so much and he hated the dumb little celebrations they had. Perhaps, after all this time, he only came whenever they called because he was ordered to do so and really had no other choice.

The thought was outrageous and Dean quickly dismissed it, but it still left a bad taste in his mouth.

And that damn _feeling_ came back.

Dean had really gotten annoyed with his stomach. He had passed the emotion off as a want for food, but as soon as Dean thought about anything remotely related to Cas, it came back. And it didn't creep up on him like most feelings; no, this was a tidal wave of anguish and pain that slammed into him and caused him to have to sit down and clear his head. He wanted to ask Sammy about it, but everytime he was about to, he thought about the excuses that Sam made when Dean asked where Cas was.

What if he made up more excuses for the angel?

As Dean stared at Sam, his dilemma wavering in his mind, a thought occurred to him.

"Hey uh...Sammy?" Dean began slowly.

"Yea Dean?" Sam asked tiredly.

Dean ignored his annoyed tone. "Did you get Cas a Christmas gift?"

Sam looked up from his laptop and gave Dean a funny look. "He's an angel, Dean."

"Yea, no shit, Sherlock. But...you know...he's got feelings too." He rubbed his neck.

Sam raised an eyebrow and asked in an amused tone, "Since when did you care about anyone else's feelings? Especially _Cas_' feelings?"

Dean smacked him over the back of his head. "Bitch."

"Jerk."

They sat in silence for a moment more before Dean shook his head and stood. "I have to get something for him. I'm gonna feel like a complete dick if I don't."

"Alright," Sam shrugged with the slightest hint of a grin.

"What're you smiling about?" Dean narrowed his eyes.

Sam closed his laptop. "Nothing, nothing. Mind if I come with you?"

"Ha! I knew you'd feel bad too."

"Dean, I don't feel bad. I'm just curious to wait to see what you get him."

Dean rolled his eyes. "Oh no, you're staying here. I'm getting him something and I'm not letting your stupid comments get in the way."

Sam sighed. "Fine, whatever."

Dean grinned and left. He was going to get the best fucking gift _ever_.

* * *

Castiel did not feel pain. He did not feel sadness. He did not feel _anything_.

Castiel was an angel of the Lord.

Angels don't feel.

"That's what you keep telling yourself," He sighed, walking through the heavenly dreams of his favorite version of heaven. The one with the autistic man and his kite. He sat down and watched the kite flutter through the air, the gardens blooming beautifully around him.

Castiel never noticed beauty before. He never saw why humans focused so heavily on beauty. If one was a good person with a clear conscience and a sound heart, then that should make them reason enough to be the prime partner. And he knew that women found the Winchester boys _very_ beautiful.

Never had Castiel noticed beauty.

Not until Christmas morning.

He was flying through the crisp morning air, smelling snow and feeling the cold air hit his sides. He didn't actually feel cold, but he could still feel the movement of the air beside him. He arrived in moments at the motel the Winchesters had elected to be at during this leg of their journey. He flew inside and noticed the two were sleeping soundly, worn out from their most recent hunt.

Castiel pushed the window curtains open slightly, letting the morning sun cast its way into the room, lighting it up so magically. His eyes ventured around the room for only a second before they rested on Dean Winchester.

He was lying on his bed, his leather jacket pulled over him, one knee slightly bent and his feet still enclosed in shoes. Castiel gazed up his form to his face, inhaling sharply at his mouth partly agape and his eyes whipping back in forth as he raced through his dreams. His brow furrowed, and Castiel knew they weren't friendly dreams. He silently walked over and placed a hand gently on his forehead. Dean's face instantly relaxed, and he smiled even. He had a slight sprinkle of freckles across his face that Castiel never noticed before, but the morning sun was making so evident now.

"Cas," Dean mumbled in his sleep, causing the angel to recoil in shock.

"D-Dean?" Castiel asked lowly, but the man offered no response.

_Just a dream._

The angel stared at Dean for only a minute more, and in that minute, he decided.

Dean Winchester truly was beautiful.

Castiel grew angry at his thought. Maybe he did care for Dean in a way that was entirely human and not at all supposed to seep into his mind, but he couldn't do anything about it. He couldn't ruin Dean with his over-powering emotions that even he didn't understand, and Dean definitely wouldn't feel the same about little old Castiel.

So the angel left, and here he was.

Watching a kite fly.

He hadn't been there for the Winchester's on Christmas Eve because Castiel was embarrassed. He couldn't stand the way Sam looked at him with such sad eyes, and Dean stared at him completely oblivious. Both of the looks added up to the pain that thudded deep within Castiel.

And he was so, so very sad.

* * *

Sam was sick of _everything_.

Dean was being such a dick, though Sam _knew_ it wasn't really his fault, but still. Dean shouldn't conceal the feelings that Sam knew were there. Dean cared about Cas in a way that Sam had noticed for long before the other night, and it hurt him so much that his brother was so close to everything he wanted in life. He was just a few words away from happiness.

And then there was _Cas_. Cas the fucking stupid-as-hell angel.

Cas shouldn't of wiped Dean's memory. But he did. Because he always lowered himself to below Dean, as if Dean was his damn _God_ or something. And then Cas just ditched because he was hurting so much and he probably didn't understand why when the answer _was right in front of him._

Sam was tempted to summon the angel and kick his ass, but Cas never came for Sam.

Cas only came when Dean called.

Dean came back from his shopping in about an hour, which actually surprised Sam. He was expecting Dean to look for hours and just give up and buy the poor guy a porn magazine or something equally as dumb. Something Dean would actually want.

And Cas would take the magazine and probably put it back on his altar to Dean.

"That was short," Sam commented, looking at his brother with a raised eyebrow.

Dean sneered at him. "It wasn't that hard."

"Really? Usually you spend forever. I was expecting you to not get back until dinner."

"Yea, well, I'm hear, so shut your pie hole." Dean grumbled, tossing the wrapped package by the others on the table. "He still hasn't shown up?"

Sam shook his head, and he noted how Dean looked a little upset. He knew Dean was getting suspicious of him and Cas because Sam always made excuses for the angel and Dean was about fed up with them.

"Fuck this, I'm calling him!" Dean exclaimed, almost making Sam burst out laughing.

_He sounds sexually frustrated._

Sam instantly regretted thinking that and waited for Dean to finish his muttering.

The two looked around, but Cas was a no-show.

"Wow, big surprise," Sam muttered under his breath.

Dean glared at him and yelled, "Goddammit, Cas, get your feathery ass down here and celebrate this goddamn heavenly holiday with us!"

It took a moment, but the angel appeared beside Sam, making him start slightly.

"Hello Dean," Cas said in his usual gruff voice. He didn't bother looking at Sam.

Dean whipped around and beamed, "About time Cas."

"What do you want?" The angel said bluntly.

Dean paused, giving him an odd look. "I...uh...Christmas gift. I bought you one."

Cas blinked, surprised by the statement. "Why?"

Sam rolled his eyes. He wanted to say _Because Dean doesn't understand why he feels the way he does around you and is trying to compensate for you._

With which Dean would say _That's not true!_

_Isn't it? _Cas would ask, a smile on his face.

Then they would make out and have a happy ending.

_If only it was that easy_, Sam sighed.

Dean shrugged. "Just felt like you deserve something nice, ya know? After all this shit we've been through together."

Cas stared at Dean and replied, "I got you something nice as well, Dean."

He handed Dean a little package, nothing bigger then a book, and Dean's smile stretched from ear to ear. "Wow, thanks man. Should I open it now?"

Sam nodded, eager to see what Cas had gotten Dean.

Dean shrugged and began ripping into it. Inside was a photo frame, and it was a beautiful woman with curly blonde hair, her smile pearly white and as wide as Dean's. She had her arms wrapped around a man with dark hair and slightly tan skin, smiling as well but more or less holding her. They were on a porch swing, so young and so in love, sitting together and looking like the two happiest people ever known to walk the earth.

Sam knew those two, even if he only knew her from pictures.

_Mom and Dad?_

Sam's eyes widen. "Is that-"

"There's a note on the back too," Cas cut in quickly.

Dean hesitantly opened the frame and read the note on the back. He chewed his lip as if he were about to bust out crying and closed the frame, holding back his tears and appearing as masculine as he could.

"How...how did you..." Dean couldn't force the words out, he was so choked up.

"I was looking around this store for something for you, and the man said that the photo frame was the best for the one you love. They keep memories intact and allow you to think of a happier time. I didn't have any pictures of you and Sam, so I had to go back to the past and ask Mary and John Winchester for a picture. I told them about you two and me, how I'm an angel of the Lord, and Mary gave me this picture with the message along with something else."

Sam's eyes widened as Cas walked towards Dean, grabbed his face gently, and kissed him deeply.

Sam watched Dean's expressions change from completely shocked to confused to epiphany and that's when Sam figured that Dean had remembered, because Dean nearly dropped the frame as he scrambled to hug Cas tightly and kiss him back.

Sam cleared his throat and grabbed his coat and wallet. "I think I'm just gonna...get another room..."

As Sam closed the motel door behind him, he smiled to himself and shook his head.

"About damn time."

* * *

Dean and Cas laid on the couch, Dean flipping through the TV channels, and Cas fully enthralled with the book, _The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_, that Dean had gotten him for Christmas. Dean knew that Cas didn't really understand why he thought it would be funny for the angel to read that book, but it didn't matter. Cas had loved it nonetheless, and that was all that mattered.

"Thank you, Cas," Dean said slowly, turning the TV off.

"For what, Dean?" The angel asked, closing the book and meeting Dean's gaze.

"For this," Dean motioned towards the picture frame. "It really...it means a lot that you would do something like that for me."

Cas nodded. "You're welcome Dean."

"But did my mom actually want you to tongue fuck me?" Dean asked, attempting to keep a straight face and an accusing stare.

Cas looked away, obviously ashamed. "I'm sorry Dean...I'm not used to how humans express their emotions, and she just said to give you and Sam a kiss for her."

Dean felt something boil inside him. It didn't take long for him to pinpoint it as jealousy.

"I'm sorry, Sam too?"

"Yes, but he seemed to of disappeared by the time we were done."

"Oh Cas, he was gone long before that." Dean chuckled, patting the angel's thigh.

Cas looked at Dean. "Does this mean we are partners now?"

Dean laughed and placed a chaste kiss on Cas' lips. "Yea man, it does."

"So do we have to engage in activities such as the pizza man and the woman he loves?"

Dean nearly choked on his water. He gave Cas a dark look as a feeling settled at the pit of his stomach. Wait, not his stomach. He groin. He wanted Cas so badly right then, and the angel hadn't even said anything that arousing!

"We don't have to, but that's the fun part," Dean chuckled lowly, loosening Cas' tie.

Cas swallowed dryly. Dean couldn't believe he was _embarrassed_, of all things.

"I have a feeling we are going to engage in such activities now."

"Well you'd be feeling right," Dean growled, ripping the tie off.

* * *

Castiel watched Dean Winchester sleep that night, but it was different from all the other nights he had watched him. He was close to Dean, and not just because neither of them were clothed. But close as in they finally got what they wanted. Both of them. Castiel's arm wrapped around Dean's exposed mid-section, Dean snoring softly into the angel's neck, tickling and arousing Castiel simultaneously.

Castiel probably could've slept; he was physically exhausted from the sexual intercourse they had engaged in. Twice. It was new and dangerous to Castiel, but it also made him excited. Excited that now he had something he could fight for, something that heaven would see and know to stay away from because he belonged to _Castiel_.

Dean was Castiel's.

Likewise, Castiel was Dean's.

And that made the angel and the hunter very happy.

* * *

**LAST A/N: **Thank you to everyone who read this! It's been stressful and tiring and pretty damn depressing to write this, but I have to thank everyone that reviewed. Without you guys, I definitely wouldn't have this finished right now!

OH! Wait I forgot something!

I wanted to clarify for **weeeew**: Castiel had wiped Dean's memories of the entire night and replaced them with new ones so that Dean wouldn't remember running off or everything after that. Sorry if I didn't make that clear and I apologize again for the confusion.

Other than that mess, thanks again, and...um...goodnight?

Perhaps I'll post another one soon...who knows...certainly not me...

Signing off for the last, but most certainly not least, time:

-LetMeBeYourHero

_PS: I do not own Supernatural or the characters used in this fanfiction. I also don't own Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, though I do find it a riveting read. Just clarifying that so I don't get sued or something._

_Deuces for real now._


End file.
